The Last Mile

I feel that i am slowly coming out of it. The mental abyss that i have been traversing for a very long time. After years i am developing a semblance of confidence. Internally i feel tremendously motivated. Life seems to be revealing some of its secrets to me. The revelations have rekindled something in me that is helping me push myself. I see targets in front of me and all of them seem within my grasp. I could kill a lion with my bare hands.

I have found my opium. The last stretch that i run when my body is crying to quit gives me the biggest kick ever. The desire to learn is finally coming back. Ignoring the hurtful petty words that keep orbiting around me has become easy. I think i am finally changing.

Whats more i think i am getting my concentration back.

Wonky

According to Madame Goodman, Librans have this tendency of having varying periods of activity and inactivity. I have been a lump over the past 2 weeks mainly due to my non existent lecture schedule. The extra time is making me think too much and the lack of optimism in some of these thoughts have started to take its toll on me .

This however is going to change soon. Intense period of activity is about to start. Soon i will be so busy that i will have no time to think. And then again i would wish for some free time where i could simply sit and think. Life continues to be at its dichotomous best. I am starting to wonder whether neutrality really exists in this world. Their is either optimism or pessimism, hatred or love, lust or disgust..... Indeed such a dichotomy beholds my mind at the present moment.

The dichotomy between the heart and the head. Everything logically adds up to a certain decision but the heart dictates a different decision. I can be either brutal to someone else or be brutal to myself. Not a choice i want to make.

Life is full of tough decisions but this will be the toughest i make. Indecision is another trait harbored by a normal libran according to Madame Linda. I seem to be abnormal in this regard as i simply cant make up mind on this issue.

Admist all this mental muddle i easily had one of my best days in my room. It was pouring crazy yesterday night. The world had called it a night. The only sound audible was of the rain drops splashing on the absorbent earth. Insects conveying their presence through a mellifluous opera. The streetlight giving immense character to the falling rain. Subtle shadows hiding its secrets. Nature had started speaking to me. Conversing about nothing in general but an emotion in particular. I did not understand what emotion it was trying to convey till the afternoon. The rain continued to ramble with me. The light a lot more benevolent reflected an immense spectrum of colours. My window expanded to cover the entire scope of my vision and made me privy to an extremely beautiful world. Then i understood that the world spoke of happiness. Dichotomous to the sadness filled in my wonky head.

A watery right eye

Is it just some alien particle irritating my right eye. The irritation refuses to cease. The tear drops continue to swell and the nose is beginning to leak. The left eye however stays sane and does not seem to be losing it. It is definitely the cooler one, with it is calm presence.

A duality that is mirrored in my state of mind. Thoughts that are bothering me no end. Internal turmoil at a peak . There seems to be no right. Whatever i will end up doing will be wrong. But i do not have an option if i do listen to my heart. It will be the toughest thing ever. Will make my life Topsy turvy and send me on a tremendous guilt trip.

This will be my toughest decision ever and might end up even making my left eye teary.

3rd August

My worst day in Mica till date.

• Got screwed by the class.
  
• Got thrown out of a close friends room
• Return of the girlfriend stalker.

How much of the flak do i really deserve. Well apart from the second incident , hardly any i suppose.

Reaction: Feel like simply converging into myself and stay closed. Do things from now on only at an individual level. No longer contain my aggressiveness.