Thursday, November 08, 2007

Lack Coffee

Slightly high. High on substance. High on lack of substance. That is any-body's guess. Everything is hazy at the moment. Hazy in terms of emotions which i will try to collate for this article. Difficult task this. But a task that ain't as mundane as rehashing knowledge for the nth time for the satisfaction of some pseudo evaluative process. So what do you think this is going to be? An exercise in self expression that reflects the anguish hidden in my superficial exterior. That might be the pivot that catches attention but that ain't the purpose behind this monologue. I shall respect the fact that some of you have chosen to read some words that i have managed to weave together.

4 months to go. In a place where i had always wanted to be. True it did not really live up to my expectations but then it opened my eyes to a totally new perspective. A cocooned existence in a picturesque setting with a bunch of humans trying to be humans. The initial claustrophobia that this place subjects one to is indeed traumatic. But then slowly, before we know it we start getting used to this. Similar faces, expressions, routine, relationships, learnings, frustrations and apathy that we so get used to. We slowly get disconnected with the world. In a village, away from civilization most of us remain media dark. Start building our own worlds in context to each other that makes us more dependent on the community we are living in. Constantly striving for acceptability over here. And therein lies the reason for pretense. Nobody can afford to be isolated over here. Those who have managed to do so are miserable. So in effect we end up being close to a precious few and phony to a multitude. Oops, now what did i do here? I have gone against my word and displayed all this anguish. Trust me i tried to mask it all but then i guess i am incapable of doing that at least when i write.

All this really ain't as dark as i have painted it to be. This is what i have become used to and i have started loving this state of being. I am comfortable over here away from the reality of the world. Nice and sheltered, doing what my heart desires and in full acceptance of the standards one needs to maintain around this place. Nobody around to question us, the first true phase of our adult lives. Temptations encouraged and available wherever i look. Seems like an eternity, this phase of life appeared to stretch towards infinity but reality is dawning at the horizon. Soon i shall be released from here and forced to embrace the outside world. A world that i have long forgotten and lost fancy for. It is cruel to be asked to disassociate from this place after all this. Indeed, i have fallen in love with this environ and some of the people here.Twilight approaches and the magical night in this place is coming to an end. Much like my tenure over here. No idea of what will happen once i step out of here. Sleep enveloping my senses even as i try and comprehend what my 9 am lecture is about. At this moment i lack coffee.