Tumbling ahead

The parity between what i say and what i feel is increasingly becoming non existent. It is like living in two worlds. A cocoon of emotions within us that are so wrapped up amongst themselves that untangling them and presenting them to the world is impossible. Though one feels that there is someone somewhere who can enter the warmth of this cocoon and weave out the knots that bind us so mercilessly from inside.

Our increasing individuality and selfishness is rendering us lonelier as we age. Everyone seems to be living for himself/herself. But the heart desires someone to live for. One dreams of an enigmatic soul, willing to put itself in our shoes. To live, understand and survive the world together. But togetherness seems to be shallow and transient. It seems more situational than by design. More often than not it ends up being a function of convineance. Complacency sets in and one does not bother to take an extra effort. The world tumbles ahead and so do we with our complacency.......

Forward, I hope

So says the rat who wants to become a chef. A wonderfully neutral statement according to me. Optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. Reflects the fact that we never really know. We never really know which way is forward in life.

People are always willing to give perspective to an issue but not really solve an issue. Constructive advice and opinion is a rare resource. Maybe the reason why i have started to find many people phony , including myself at times. Whatever said and done MICA has been a forward step for all involved. Nobody leaves this place without changing in some way. It really teaches you some hard lessons on personal relationships either by direct or indirect experience.

I have never been so unclear about my way forward as i am now. Whatever step i take does not seem to be the right thing to do. I keep on oscillating from highs to lows. Lows being more prolonged. The mind seems to have given up now. I am in reactionary mode. That means i can only hope to stumble on to the right way forward.
God bless

Bad Loser

Failure hits me hard. I do not take it too well. I do not try hard often. Maybe thats the reason since when i do try hard and success eludes me, i go negative. Optimism has a transitory existence in my psyche. I lose self belief easy when faced with failure.

The only good thing is that i do not mope about the failure for a long time. I does have its effect but i reconcile soon and generally end up resolving to work harder the next time around which never really happens and the circle repeats itself