A little bit bomesick

Exams and assignments here again. 94 of us churning material largely repetitive in nature, all of us have the break in focus. A break from a place that gets to you when you hang around for too long. A culture that one cannot survive for too long in succession. In the normal world the 94 of us have different personalities and a different pace to things. World shrinks in this place. The stone pathways have been worn out by the trampling of similar feet over the past few months. The washer man must have memorized about 200 lines written on t-shirts. People have almost memorized each others wardrobes subconsciously. The keys on my keyboard have been punched too many times over. The monkeys are no longer scared of our familiar faces. The chairs in our class are broken. The badminton net has worn out. A skeleton is being built next to our hostel. The weather is cold and hostile in the nights. We still stay awake. Going on and on, our fingers twitch with uneasiness. People do not smile a lot now, nor do we sing as much as we used to. Tiredness has set in. The food tastes the same. A sojourn to the city is a constant deja vu. Flowery jeans and unimaginable colour do not startle anymore. The dust sticks to your skin. Hair stays unruly. Eyes are watery and tired. Sleep beckons in between lectures. The wooden chairs creak a lot more. The clock in the classroom is subject to pleading eyes willing it to move faster. Our ears catch innumerable words during the day but we understand very few. The bed feels harder. Hot water seems lukewarm. The mirror is tired of our sleepy faces with a brush shoved in our faces. Plates with compartments that seem unnecessary. Spoons that are either too big or too small. An alarm clock that rings earlier than required.

The time has come to head back home ......

Pat on my back

Can i write that i have started to detest someone. Do i reveal my disillusionment? Sometimes words are useless when it comes to describing emotions. Or even at describing behaviour. This world has turned into an impressionist one but still that does not mean that people have turned blind. Respect should never be a function of age but should be more a function of deed and nature. Time soothes everything they say. But then it never erases. Vengeance is something i believe in but resort to rarely. Well this leaves me with nothing to prove in this place as there is no point to it. It is purely for personal pursuit.

I

The suitcase on top of my cupboard is kept upside down. Left there like that in a hurry i have not bothered to change this. I let it be.

Takes 1/2 a minute to correct this but still i wont move. Room in a mess currently takes 10 minutes to change but won't attempt. Takes about 2 hours and get my account in Ahmadabad activated but will not activate. Takes about 2 trips to get the photos desired by Sugu delivered to her but wont move. Takes 2 hours per day in the library to keep myself upto date with world but i wont read. Takes an hour of running everyday to keep myself fit but i wont run. Takes a little bit of concentraton in the classroom to learn better but wont concentrate. Takes a little less gluttony in order to stop adding weight but i still binge.

But the only thing about which i am willing to do something about right now is my dandruff.

Deliver

Why do i never understand this? We have full control over our lives still we seem to be driven by external forces, influenced by external thoughts and never fully satisfied by the way things are. Right now i could do a million things right and it ain't too difficult to achieve but still the lag sets in and then i am bouncing about dictated by external forces rather than internal motivation. This has been a permanent feature all through my life, i have tried to fight it sometimes but rather unsuccessfully. sometimes i managed to overcome this and came out feeling real good. I want to be more consistent in this aspect though which is not happening . I am 23 , with my whole life ahead of me. Decisions taken now might seem to be trivial in the present context but in the larger scheme of things everything has its lingering effects. At an age where one is supposed to be at his/her active best, physical best and mental best , i seem to be lacking on all three counts. This youth ain't gonna return to me ever. I better make the best use of it . Try and push myself more and do the things i like and the way i want it to be done.

You make soo many promises to yourself throughout our life but then how many of these promises are actually kept? It is like cheating oneself but then the guilt is not really there since convincing oneself is the easiest thing to do. I wish for a stronger conscience. A stronger will and maybe even more failures. Failure is the essential condiment in the recipe of success- Capote. Makes perfect sense. Success in the eyes of others is immaterial to me and has always been immaterial. But i have these personal goals and a certain vision, a desire that if i do not fulfil in this lifetime i wont be a satisfied man. Obviously they will be a certain amount of regret at certain things not achieved or not accomplished but that is the essence of life. One does not get everything he desires, but one can certainly keep on trying. And it is this continuing battle and attempt to get what one desires is what the most satisfying part of any quest. This seems to be lacking in me at this moment- the fight. I am too laid back for my own comfort.

I hate comparisons. I do not want to be like xyz or worse /better than xyz. I want to be me. The more i understand people the more i realise that we are incomparable. Thought this society judges in accordance to each other for lack of a better system, it is however thoroughly unfair. And this system is going to get worse and will exist in every activity we do. You either don't give a damn and stay aloof to escape this maddening comparisons or simply stay secluded. Competing with oneself is the only possible valid form of comparison. To improve personal bests in every activity is the most organic form of growth for a human being. But here again contentment sets in too easy for my comfort. Do i sound frustrated? I am not in one least bit. Rather i am in a clam trying to get a perspective. But then again perspectives are not actions. Wonder if i will deliver?

Casino Cascade

Even after straining my memory real hard it took me a long time to think of the last good action movie i had seen last in a theatre. Today, Casino Royale more than made up for all the actionless visit to the theatres. A bond movie which broke sterotypes and was hugely refreshing. It did not have the sme olf formula type feel to it and wasn't to easy to predict. Daniel Craig did look like he could cause someone some harm if he took a swing unlike the earlier bond portrayed by Pierce Brosnana who was more of suave and verve than raw masculinity and power. Bond essentially is a mix of both which was pretty much apparent in the earlier bonds played by Roger Moore and Sean Connery.

After a very long time i saw an amazing starting sequence which totally hooked me on to the movie. The chase sequence sans fancy gadgets and snazzy at the start was refreshing and believable. It involved Sebastian Foucan who promoted his sport known as parkour or free running and it was fascinating as hell since all that he was doing was believable as i had already seen him earlier in a Chanel 5 documentary. The hands on approach of the Bond in the movie was extremely appelaing and Daniel Craig definately has the attitude. The next bond movie is due in 2008 and if this is anythind to go by we have another legendary Bond in the making in the form of Daniel Craig.

It was the perfect evening as we got a ride in a Tavera and were spared the bumpy long ride in a Chakra, ate two sumputous Subs and 600ml of cold coffee for 20 bucks and topped it all of with a great action flick. The return ride in the chakra with the surrounding fields covered in moonlight with the cold wind blowing into my face and the white divider markings racing by provided the perfect ending. Sigh, i love such perfect endings

Accounts Apocalypse

Living in an hostel, with a constant cach crunch budgetting for me has reached an art form. Even givng my clothes for a wash becomes a major cost controlling decision. And the target is to minimise the number of clothes i wear which i say is a mighty difficult task during winters. We Indians do not have appreciation for body odour either. Thus complicating matters further. And to top it all here i am in the middle of lecture on budgeting by a prof who is wearing too many clothes for my liking.

It is amazing how the voice a prof can simple reduce to a mild buzz in my head but my countenance still manages to portray a sense of seriousness as i am typing this post. This subjects reaffirms my faith that i am in the right B-school which focusses on marketing disciplines only. Finanace and me are like pasta made with shrikhand used as sauce, a thorough and fantabulous mismatch.

Btw i am growing my beard and have got total polar opposites responses on the same. But my main motivation is not to look good but just grow a beard for the heck of it. I do not care if it looks like pubic hair on my face or like grass cut with blunt lawnmover blades. It is MY beard and i may dye it purple for all i care.

Ooh lecture getting over so me closing this post for now ...

Revive

Sitting in a class, typing this post. After this long sabbatical , i revive. Been an eventful 6 months in this place. No particular memory has been etching enough though that i would want to recall it at this point of time. This revival in middle of a class is i guess perfect. To start again as randomnly as the blog had originally was started.

And even after 6 months , i do not have anything really substantial to talk about. I have settled well in this place and am comfortable with the wird dynamics associated with living in a confined environment with a same set of faces with whom we interact day in and day out.

Learning wise i do not know how much wiser i have become but my emotional quotient has imporved. Some arbit group is selling a strategy at this point of time which is a futile exercise of vocal chords. Sometimes i feel my understanding of things are significantly different from general thought. Maybe i am just plain obstinate. Or maybe i love my ideas too much ...

Aaah well ...... I am definately back now