Deliver

Why do i never understand this? We have full control over our lives still we seem to be driven by external forces, influenced by external thoughts and never fully satisfied by the way things are. Right now i could do a million things right and it ain't too difficult to achieve but still the lag sets in and then i am bouncing about dictated by external forces rather than internal motivation. This has been a permanent feature all through my life, i have tried to fight it sometimes but rather unsuccessfully. sometimes i managed to overcome this and came out feeling real good. I want to be more consistent in this aspect though which is not happening . I am 23 , with my whole life ahead of me. Decisions taken now might seem to be trivial in the present context but in the larger scheme of things everything has its lingering effects. At an age where one is supposed to be at his/her active best, physical best and mental best , i seem to be lacking on all three counts. This youth ain't gonna return to me ever. I better make the best use of it . Try and push myself more and do the things i like and the way i want it to be done.

You make soo many promises to yourself throughout our life but then how many of these promises are actually kept? It is like cheating oneself but then the guilt is not really there since convincing oneself is the easiest thing to do. I wish for a stronger conscience. A stronger will and maybe even more failures. Failure is the essential condiment in the recipe of success- Capote. Makes perfect sense. Success in the eyes of others is immaterial to me and has always been immaterial. But i have these personal goals and a certain vision, a desire that if i do not fulfil in this lifetime i wont be a satisfied man. Obviously they will be a certain amount of regret at certain things not achieved or not accomplished but that is the essence of life. One does not get everything he desires, but one can certainly keep on trying. And it is this continuing battle and attempt to get what one desires is what the most satisfying part of any quest. This seems to be lacking in me at this moment- the fight. I am too laid back for my own comfort.

I hate comparisons. I do not want to be like xyz or worse /better than xyz. I want to be me. The more i understand people the more i realise that we are incomparable. Thought this society judges in accordance to each other for lack of a better system, it is however thoroughly unfair. And this system is going to get worse and will exist in every activity we do. You either don't give a damn and stay aloof to escape this maddening comparisons or simply stay secluded. Competing with oneself is the only possible valid form of comparison. To improve personal bests in every activity is the most organic form of growth for a human being. But here again contentment sets in too easy for my comfort. Do i sound frustrated? I am not in one least bit. Rather i am in a clam trying to get a perspective. But then again perspectives are not actions. Wonder if i will deliver?