Lack Coffee

Slightly high. High on substance. High on lack of substance. That is any-body's guess. Everything is hazy at the moment. Hazy in terms of emotions which i will try to collate for this article. Difficult task this. But a task that ain't as mundane as rehashing knowledge for the nth time for the satisfaction of some pseudo evaluative process. So what do you think this is going to be? An exercise in self expression that reflects the anguish hidden in my superficial exterior. That might be the pivot that catches attention but that ain't the purpose behind this monologue. I shall respect the fact that some of you have chosen to read some words that i have managed to weave together.

4 months to go. In a place where i had always wanted to be. True it did not really live up to my expectations but then it opened my eyes to a totally new perspective. A cocooned existence in a picturesque setting with a bunch of humans trying to be humans. The initial claustrophobia that this place subjects one to is indeed traumatic. But then slowly, before we know it we start getting used to this. Similar faces, expressions, routine, relationships, learnings, frustrations and apathy that we so get used to. We slowly get disconnected with the world. In a village, away from civilization most of us remain media dark. Start building our own worlds in context to each other that makes us more dependent on the community we are living in. Constantly striving for acceptability over here. And therein lies the reason for pretense. Nobody can afford to be isolated over here. Those who have managed to do so are miserable. So in effect we end up being close to a precious few and phony to a multitude. Oops, now what did i do here? I have gone against my word and displayed all this anguish. Trust me i tried to mask it all but then i guess i am incapable of doing that at least when i write.

All this really ain't as dark as i have painted it to be. This is what i have become used to and i have started loving this state of being. I am comfortable over here away from the reality of the world. Nice and sheltered, doing what my heart desires and in full acceptance of the standards one needs to maintain around this place. Nobody around to question us, the first true phase of our adult lives. Temptations encouraged and available wherever i look. Seems like an eternity, this phase of life appeared to stretch towards infinity but reality is dawning at the horizon. Soon i shall be released from here and forced to embrace the outside world. A world that i have long forgotten and lost fancy for. It is cruel to be asked to disassociate from this place after all this. Indeed, i have fallen in love with this environ and some of the people here.Twilight approaches and the magical night in this place is coming to an end. Much like my tenure over here. No idea of what will happen once i step out of here. Sleep enveloping my senses even as i try and comprehend what my 9 am lecture is about. At this moment i lack coffee.

Tumbling ahead

The parity between what i say and what i feel is increasingly becoming non existent. It is like living in two worlds. A cocoon of emotions within us that are so wrapped up amongst themselves that untangling them and presenting them to the world is impossible. Though one feels that there is someone somewhere who can enter the warmth of this cocoon and weave out the knots that bind us so mercilessly from inside.

Our increasing individuality and selfishness is rendering us lonelier as we age. Everyone seems to be living for himself/herself. But the heart desires someone to live for. One dreams of an enigmatic soul, willing to put itself in our shoes. To live, understand and survive the world together. But togetherness seems to be shallow and transient. It seems more situational than by design. More often than not it ends up being a function of convineance. Complacency sets in and one does not bother to take an extra effort. The world tumbles ahead and so do we with our complacency.......

Forward, I hope

So says the rat who wants to become a chef. A wonderfully neutral statement according to me. Optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. Reflects the fact that we never really know. We never really know which way is forward in life.

People are always willing to give perspective to an issue but not really solve an issue. Constructive advice and opinion is a rare resource. Maybe the reason why i have started to find many people phony , including myself at times. Whatever said and done MICA has been a forward step for all involved. Nobody leaves this place without changing in some way. It really teaches you some hard lessons on personal relationships either by direct or indirect experience.

I have never been so unclear about my way forward as i am now. Whatever step i take does not seem to be the right thing to do. I keep on oscillating from highs to lows. Lows being more prolonged. The mind seems to have given up now. I am in reactionary mode. That means i can only hope to stumble on to the right way forward.
God bless

Bad Loser

Failure hits me hard. I do not take it too well. I do not try hard often. Maybe thats the reason since when i do try hard and success eludes me, i go negative. Optimism has a transitory existence in my psyche. I lose self belief easy when faced with failure.

The only good thing is that i do not mope about the failure for a long time. I does have its effect but i reconcile soon and generally end up resolving to work harder the next time around which never really happens and the circle repeats itself

The Last Mile

I feel that i am slowly coming out of it. The mental abyss that i have been traversing for a very long time. After years i am developing a semblance of confidence. Internally i feel tremendously motivated. Life seems to be revealing some of its secrets to me. The revelations have rekindled something in me that is helping me push myself. I see targets in front of me and all of them seem within my grasp. I could kill a lion with my bare hands.

I have found my opium. The last stretch that i run when my body is crying to quit gives me the biggest kick ever. The desire to learn is finally coming back. Ignoring the hurtful petty words that keep orbiting around me has become easy. I think i am finally changing.

Whats more i think i am getting my concentration back.

Wonky

According to Madame Goodman, Librans have this tendency of having varying periods of activity and inactivity. I have been a lump over the past 2 weeks mainly due to my non existent lecture schedule. The extra time is making me think too much and the lack of optimism in some of these thoughts have started to take its toll on me .

This however is going to change soon. Intense period of activity is about to start. Soon i will be so busy that i will have no time to think. And then again i would wish for some free time where i could simply sit and think. Life continues to be at its dichotomous best. I am starting to wonder whether neutrality really exists in this world. Their is either optimism or pessimism, hatred or love, lust or disgust..... Indeed such a dichotomy beholds my mind at the present moment.

The dichotomy between the heart and the head. Everything logically adds up to a certain decision but the heart dictates a different decision. I can be either brutal to someone else or be brutal to myself. Not a choice i want to make.

Life is full of tough decisions but this will be the toughest i make. Indecision is another trait harbored by a normal libran according to Madame Linda. I seem to be abnormal in this regard as i simply cant make up mind on this issue.

Admist all this mental muddle i easily had one of my best days in my room. It was pouring crazy yesterday night. The world had called it a night. The only sound audible was of the rain drops splashing on the absorbent earth. Insects conveying their presence through a mellifluous opera. The streetlight giving immense character to the falling rain. Subtle shadows hiding its secrets. Nature had started speaking to me. Conversing about nothing in general but an emotion in particular. I did not understand what emotion it was trying to convey till the afternoon. The rain continued to ramble with me. The light a lot more benevolent reflected an immense spectrum of colours. My window expanded to cover the entire scope of my vision and made me privy to an extremely beautiful world. Then i understood that the world spoke of happiness. Dichotomous to the sadness filled in my wonky head.

A watery right eye

Is it just some alien particle irritating my right eye. The irritation refuses to cease. The tear drops continue to swell and the nose is beginning to leak. The left eye however stays sane and does not seem to be losing it. It is definitely the cooler one, with it is calm presence.

A duality that is mirrored in my state of mind. Thoughts that are bothering me no end. Internal turmoil at a peak . There seems to be no right. Whatever i will end up doing will be wrong. But i do not have an option if i do listen to my heart. It will be the toughest thing ever. Will make my life Topsy turvy and send me on a tremendous guilt trip.

This will be my toughest decision ever and might end up even making my left eye teary.

3rd August

My worst day in Mica till date.

• Got screwed by the class.
  
• Got thrown out of a close friends room
• Return of the girlfriend stalker.

How much of the flak do i really deserve. Well apart from the second incident , hardly any i suppose.

Reaction: Feel like simply converging into myself and stay closed. Do things from now on only at an individual level. No longer contain my aggressiveness.